Good evening everyone,
It is a gorgeous sunny night here in Surrey and I’ve been for a pint (just one if anyone from work reads this).
Essentially, the inspiration for this post comes from my work colleagues, Jonathan, Jim, Kally, Lillie and Becca. These people like me (as far as I know), and I intend to keep it that way. Regrettably, I do believe these relationships have been formed on something rather unfortunate – my tragic life. The tragic life that leads me to paying over £210 in parking fines, and somehow cracking my phone screen by driving 6 hours to Newcastle.
I do believe that these relationships are built on sympathy and sympathy alone, and while I’d rather it be built on rainbows and smiles, I have to take what I can get at the tender age of 25.
Therefore, on the request of my dear colleagues and for the hope that someone might read this, and think “at least I’m not as bad as Lauren Gillett”, I bring you….
The Tragic Life of Lauren Gillett – Part 1.
I thought I’d break this up into small chapters to get some of you up to speed of some of the woeful events that shape my millennial life. As I recall these tragic events, some of the timeline may be altered to reflect my slightly tipsy tiny mind.
So here goes…
Chapter 1 – West Street Sprinkler: The night I couldn’t hold in my sprinkles after searching aimlessly for a toilet for almost an hour, to then unleash my desperate needs on the west street pavement (slightly covered by my best friend Kris). This was shortly followed by a police car turning up and sitting me in the back seat to tell me off. Tragic.
Chapter 2 – AmsterDAM: The night I snored so loudly in a sports hall on a Korfball tour that I had a dutch man scream in my ear to shut me up. I was impersonated by several international teams and woke up non-the-wiser. Tragic.
Chapter 3 – True love starts with vomit on a bag: On the day I met my dearly beloved Matthew, I was feeling a little bit worse for wear. I knew I had been ‘unwell’ the night before, but thought I best make a good impression and get to work on time. Little did I realise until I got to work, I had infact thrown up on the side of my bag and brought the bag to work with me. Tragic.
Chapter 4 – Low Five: Quite recently, Matt and I were driving to Cheshire Oaks when I encountered a high five in the air which I rapidly responded to with enthusiasm. Much to Matt’s disgust, he was saying thank you to a driver and had no intention of receiving a high 5. Tragic.
Chapter 5 – Rolly Polly: When young and impressionable at university, I was trying to impress some friends during a game of truth or dare. I nobly took the dare and elected to do 5 naked rolly pollys on our shared lawn. After I completed the task, I realised my ‘friend’ David had stolen my clothes and most of the accomodation block had seen me naked. Tragic.
More to come in the latest instalment of Lauren Gillett’s tragic life. Have a great evening knowing you’re not as embarrassing as me team!