When I look in the mirror, I have some seriously mixed feelings about what’s looking back at me.

It’s sometimes something that makes me smile, it can also be something that makes me cry. Dependent on what it says on the scales will really affect my mood and particularly my eating habits. I know I’m not alone.

In January, I joined slimming world and lost a stone within 3 months. I was so happy. I’d made a really conscious decision that I was going to make myself feel better about what I saw in the mirror.

During that time, I went from feeling very low and anti-social, rarely wanting to go out, to a stone lighter, joining a football team, meeting new friends and feeling generally a lot more confident.

I have a very strong relationship with food and so doing a diet was always going to be a huge thing for me. It had to be something I could get on with and not something that wouldn’t completely restrict me from eating things I liked. When slimming world was done right, I’d lose between 1-4 pounds a week. I was so happy when I got my first half stone. However, I also knew that I wasn’t putting my all into it and became complacent.

What I decided to do to counteract my complacency with the plan was to sign up for a 10k race. The reasons behind the 10k and the choice of charity is all explained in ‘Lauren Gillett and her tragic attempt to run 10k‘. It was a challenge and for a while it kept me really motivated! I felt great when I finished – but soon after I was faced with the sad reality – I had put on weight, I had a new job and very little motivation to go to the gym again or diet. I felt terrible about the fact I was undoing all my good work.

However, I realised recently, after speaking to a few friends, that despite gaining weight, it’s only how I feel that really matters. I recently went on holiday and wore shorts, dresses and skirts every day and felt lovely (if not a bit sweaty; okay, alot sweaty). I ate whatever I wanted, drank whatever I wanted and laughed every single day.

I had a really interesting conversation with our wonderful social media guru, Jo Dolan, who told me about her similar issues with learning to love her own body. She made a video a month ago about loving her ‘pillow bod’ (it’s on our InstaTV – check it out)! She told me how she used to really worry about her weight, but since she’s embraced her shape and appreciated other parts of her body (like the muscles she’s building), she feels much better. She looks fantastic btw.

People like me, Jo and a lot of people I know will never be that ‘perfect figure’, or if we are, chances are we’ll have made ourselves very unhappy in the process.

I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to give up slimming world for a while. It was making me feel guilty and really unhappy that I couldn’t keep up with it. However, I know it’s the right decision for now and I know my slimming world family will be there when I get back. I feel happy-ish at the moment and I know, as long as I don’t completely slip back into the ‘Nutella Phase‘, then I’m okay.

Maybe I’m lazy, maybe I’m fat, maybe I’m just a bit of an overgrown teenager who eats whatever takes my fancy. The main thing is, I appreciate what makes me happy and so if having a pillow bod is the compromise I have to make to look in the mirror and smile, then I can appreciate that.

Have a lovely weekend everybody.

Love always,

Lauren (lumps, bumps, rolls and all) x
rolls and all

Positive of the day: I’ve been pretty homesick lately and have arranged a catch up with my aunty next week. I can’t wait.